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The Darwinian Gardener reluctantly takes in a peach tree

Mark Lane
mark.lane@news-jrnl.com
A peach tree blossom from somewhere else. The Darwinian Gardener hopes to see some of these in his back yard next year. [PIERRE DUCHARME/THE LEDGER]

The Darwinian Gardener mourns his old orange tree. Whenever he comes upon its stump, he remembers better days. Those happy times before citrus greening.

And he kept the space clear hoping someday to plant a new greening-resistant strain of orange tree on that spot. Until the other week when his wife received a peach tree for a gift, and really, there was no better place in the yard for it to go.

But wait, who is this amateur nurseryman who presumes to give an opinion on all living greenery? Who this Darwinian Gardener?

The Darwinian Gardener is Florida’s foremost authority on survival-of-the-fittest lawn-and-garden care. He’s not interested in becoming life-coach to a plot of St. Augustine sod. He’s here to encourage plants that don’t need encouragement and cut down what’s already drooping.

And springtime is an excellent time to Ask the Darwinian Gardener:

Q: Planting a peach tree? You call yourself a Floridian?

A: During a downer of an interview with a local agricultural agent, the Darwinian Gardener was discouraged from further pursuit of his citrus growing dream. His tree was doomed. Any citrus he planted — orange, lemon or grapefruit — was doomed. The agent suggested a peach tree instead, and the Darwinian Gardener scoffed.

[READ MORE: LANE: Citrus greening hits the backyard]

Being Zone 9 and proud of his place on the USDA plant-hardiness map, the Darwinian Gardener knew that peaches are meant for other climes. Further, he’s not into the peach experience and knows of no cocktail that would make them useful.

But he was unaware that there is a Florida prince peach variety that was painstakingly developed for where his yard stands. And when his wife was gifted with such a tree, he immediately got out the shovel.

Q: What about peach crushes and peachtinis?

A: Girly drinks. They don’t count.

Q: So what’s this prince peach thing?

A: The Florida prince (actually, it’s called “Floridaprince,” all one word, but that just looks strange) was developed at the University of Florida in 1982.

The Darwinian Gardener even likes the name and enjoys imagining what the son of the king of Florida would look like in his ceremonial Hawaiian shirt, bejeweled flip-flops and crown with a plastic Visit Florida handout visor. (Royalty gets its pick of state swag.)

Anyway, the tree is fast-growing, likes Zone 9 just fine, and seems to have settled into its new home comfortably. And since Mrs. Darwinian Gardener loves peaches, it should make somebody happy next year.

Q: I heard the University of Florida created the lovebug to eat mosquitos and look what happened then. Are just encouraging them to use weird science to create more mutants that will further disrupt the natural order?

A: Aside from his modest contributions to global warming, the Darwinian Gardener is a friend of the natural order and rolls with it better than most. But that said, the lovebug is neither an escaped lab-bug, (created no doubt, at the behest of the car-wash industry), nor a failed attempt at introducing a foreign species to our shores to fight mosquitos.

Lovebugs don’t bite and eat any other bug. They live off flower nectar. The beasties migrated here all on their own sometime after World War II (they were first documented in 1949) and liked what they found.

Q: When are you going to do something about that big dead spot on your lawn that the chinch bugs ate up? Has anybody complained to the city yet?

A: The Florida Legislature, in its drive to become every town’s city commission, passed a law this session forbidding cities from discouraging vegetable gardens in people’s yards. They are off limits.

So he intends to get some seed packets. Not to plant anything, mind you — his vegetable gardening attempts have been horrible failures — but so he can staple the packets to Popsicle sticks and stick them in the ground. That way his dead patch will look like he’s starting a vegetable garden.

This should buy him months, maybe years.